Whether Abuse or Not, I can see the emotional scars years later

by kelcoolyo

From the time that I was a very young child, I was hyper. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 5, and put on 'ritalin'. My mother was always fair with her punishments, sending me to a "time out" in my room, or taking away TV privileges.

However, my father was a different story. I am not sure if I can call what he put me through as a child "child abuse."

He never beat me severely or molested me as far as I can remember, but his punishments for even the smallest infraction was severe and uncalled for. And when literature speaks of "spanking" being somewhat okay, I'm wondering if it is considered "spanking" to be slapped across the face hard enough, as a seven and eight year old, to fall on the ground.

My father is medicated with anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication now, but by the time he was placed on medication, when I was 14, the damage had already been done. Whenever I stepped out of line in the slightest bit, he would grab my wrists and shake them violently, with the scariest murderous rage look in his eyes. Several times I was kicked because I was not getting ready fast enough. There was always something going on, and it made my childhood a scary and uncomfortable time.

I did have some impulse control issues as a child, but the punishments I received for them were far more severe than need be. Looking back on my childhood, I really wasn't a bad kid, but the way he treated me and what he told me made me feel like the worst kid ever.

When I turned 14, I made a mistake by having sex with a boy who didn't give a damn about me, humiliated me in public, and was just a mean person. I feel as though I had sex with him because I considered myself so unlovable that I didn't deserve anyone better than that, and that there was no way I would ever get better than that.

I unfortunately was friends with some very vindictive girls at the time and they spread a rumor that I was pregnant, and the school called my mother. This devastated both of us because I didn't want to hurt her. And she was a mess after it. But when my father found out he told me how much of a whore I am. This was after he was medicated. Before that I guarantee I would have gotten beaten.

In 8th grade, before he was medicated, he threw me against a wall and punched a hole in the door to my room for the simple reason that I wanted to wear a skirt above the knees to school. I was always getting in trouble and severely punished my whole childhood, and this has made me resentful as a young adult.

Currently, I am a 23 year old psychology major undergraduate, and I can see the situation clearly that I was in... I am still uneasy about our relationship, and when I see the monstrous rage in his eyes today I want to stand in his face and just say "fuck you if you touch me I'll have you arrested" but at the same time I hate having these feelings toward my father.

Sometimes we do have good conversations, and I wish I could just erase all the bad memories of my childhood and have a good relationship with him today.

It's sad, and I don't know how to change any of it, I just have so many memories of being smacked and shaken and kicked and screamed at told that I was a bad person when I was a child... I can't just forget it.

Today I am an angry person. I don't trust people. My relationships are always screwed up. Marijuana became my sanctuary for the past 5 years, my parents have no idea i smoke every day, and I want to stop. I know that I cannot ask for their help, I am scared to even mention it to my now medicated father because I know they do not see drug addiction as an illness, and maybe marijuana use isn't, but I know I need help and I cant ask for it from my parents who I still live with.

I know that I am my father's daughter and he was made a lot better by medication, but without health insurance I cannot afford it.

I am anxious and depressed a large majority of the time now, and in 2 months I will be graduating college into an economy with hardly any jobs. I'm scared. I'm very dependent on my parents because I don't have a job but I can see my father kicking me out if I am not in school.

I don't know... I'm all screwed up, and I know it's not totally his fault, but I do believe that his "harsh punishments" have effected me permanently. I wish I could get over it.

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